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April 24, 2017

How do you romance a woman?

(I bet you know this one.)

Wine her, dine her, call her, cuddle with her, surprise her, compliment her hair, shop with her, listen to her talk, buy flowers, hold her hand, write love letters, and be willing to go to the end of the earth and back again for her.

Hmm … that sounds about right. I mean, who doesn’t want to be treated like that?

So then, how do you romance a man?

It’s simple. Show up naked. Bring beer.

Different strokes …

While it’s true that no two people are exactly alike, and we all get into relationships for different reasons, some general principles apply to most of us.

For most women, relationships are about love and connection. Women will generally choose a man based on the love she feels for him, and end up enjoying the sex. Men, on the other hand, will more often get into a relationship based on the sexual attraction he feels for a woman, and end up falling in love.

In a survey of married men, 83% of them indicated that mutual pleasure and female initiation of sex were among their primary sexual needs. A lot of ladies may feel that sex is only a small part of their relationship, and if they have the support and connection they crave, it’s not that relevant to them. For guys, though, sex is one of the most important things – if not THE most important thing – in the relationship. According to Marriage.com, sex is not always important to women but it will NEVER stop being important to men. It’s hard-wired into the male design.

So, why is sex so important to men?

Men need sex as much food or sleep.

Sex is the way men connect

Sex is as important as trust and communication in a relationship. Men are raised to be “the strong, silent type” – impervious to pain and unlikely to express pain, fear, or any emotion that could be perceived as weakness.

This means that without being able to express these core facets of themselves, they lack opportunities for authentic connection.

Sex requires vulnerability. You lay yourself bare – literally – to the scrutiny of another person. It creates a space of complete honesty, as there isn’t any way to hide. This authentic openness offers a level of connection that is impossible to recreate anywhere else. Especially when it’s with someone you love.

Sex is a way to unite two people

Sex is the glue that keeps a relationship together. It transcends the challenges of daily life and affirms that, no matter what, the foundation of the relationship is still strong. The act of sex stimulates the release of hormones that destress the brain and body, which means that a good ol’ romp can go a long way towards dissolving the tensions that were keeping you apart in the first place.

Being so physically close and vulnerable requires enormous trust. It builds closeness as you share something with that one special someone that you don’t share with anyone else. You develop your own secret language. You share adventures that will never (hopefully) reach social media the way the rest of your life tends to do. In a world increasingly invaded by digital demands for connection, sex can be a very intimate, private, unplugged (if that’s the way you like it) connection with just one soul.

It's what makes an amazing friendship something more – something that no other friendship can be. Without it, you’re little more than roommates. Sex is the perfect way to be completely present and mindful. Think of it as meditation made physical.

Sex is a healthy way to destress – and can even help beat depression!

Sexual activity releases endorphins. These happy hormones boost mood and balance emotions. They also reduce stress and moderate the stress response. In other words, they help us cope better with the stress of daily life.

An invigorating round of sex also improves sleep. And we all know that things are more manageable after a good night’s sleep.

Orgasm stimulates the release of oxytocin. Oxytocin is also known as the cuddle hormone, and it makes us feel happier to be around the people closest to us. Remember the scene in Harry Potter where Ron eats Harry’s Valentine’s chocolates and falls in love with the girl who sent them? Yep, like that. Except not stalkery. What is interesting about the release of oxytocin is that it promotes bonding, meaning that a man will feel closer to a woman he’s just had sex with. The more they do it, the closer they get.

In short: sex makes you happy. And who wouldn’t want to be happier?

Sex builds confidence

The male ego is often tied to sex. Men love praise. Bringing the woman of his dreams to climax is one helluva confirmation of a man’s prowess in the bedroom. If sex is a job, it’s one a man loves to do – and do well. Making his woman happy shows he’s good at his job, and it makes him feel like a man. Like The Man.

A confident man is a happy man. He’s likely to be more of all the things his wife wishes he’d be – generous, kind, thoughtful, and productive.

Sex also improves body image and self-image. When a couple is sexually intimate on a regular basis, both partners have the comfort that comes from being known - and accepted - on a deep level. It’s unlike any other human relationship. When a woman desires her husband sexually, it makes him feel wanted and needed. He feels necessary and important.

Plain and simple, having sex makes a man feel good about himself.

Sex is seriously fun

And it costs nothing! (Unless you want to spice things up, of course.)

Sex is a celebration of life

Psychologist Dr Melodie Schaefer explains it perfectly:

“Men wish women would take more of a ‘carpe diem’ approach to sex. On the long list of our priorities, sex should not be on the bottom rung.”

For many busy women trying to juggle all their roles, everything in the relationship is a priority before sex even makes it onto the list. Jobs and children and housework and family commitment and even hobbies all edge in ahead of prioritising sex in the relationship.

But when you consider the health benefits of regular sex described on Marriage.com, you’d begin to see why men wish their wives would prioritise sex more than they do. “Sex alleviates anxiety and stress, reduces blood pressure, promotes healing and couple bonding.”

What if sex isn’t happening?

If you’re not having sex, it could be that you’re both busy, or tired, or stressed. More likely, though, there’s something that needs talking about.

Popular health blog FitnessRepublic comments,

“Not having sex is most likely a symptom of a deeper problem. There could be a barrier of communication or a lack of trust between partners that translates to a lack of intimacy. Both men and women desire sex (in most cases), so if it isn’t happening, both parties are going to notice.

If you’re not having sex, the most important thing you can do is talk about it with your partner. Have an open and honest discussion about why you’re not having sex, and what you can do about it. Sexual intimacy is important to the success of a healthy relationship, so restoring an active sex life is an important step toward building a more solid foundation. Remember that open and honest communication should extend to the bedroom.

Sexual frustration may come from simple misunderstandings. If you want to try something new sexually, you need to voice it to your partner. No one can read minds, and the only way your partner will know about your sexual desires is if you say them out loud. As long as there is trust between the two of you, they will hear everything you have to say with an open mind.”

Sex: not just for men

Contrary to what some people might think, women love sex too. And it’s important to them as well. We may have heard that men need sex more than women do, but this is an oversimplification of the facts. Sexuality and sexual desire is a spectrum, which has little to do with gender. Using a “need” for sex to guilt another person into giving it up is emotional manipulation, which is not okay. But downplaying the genuine importance of sex in a healthy relationship is also not okay. It’s neither honest or fair.

The most important thing in any relationship is honesty and trust. Whether this leads to a robust sex life, or sex leads to an open and intimate relationship, is just semantics. They’re two sides of the same coin, and each is as important as the other.

So, if sex isn’t a regular part of your relationship, it’s time for a heartfelt conversation to get to the heart of the matter.



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