Research has shown that men are more likely to have sexual fantasies than women, and that they’re also likely to have them more often. However, women’s sexual fantasies are generally more intricate and detailed than men’s. Women are also more likely to have fantasies involving caring and nurturing themes, whereas – somewhat predictably [rolls eyes] – we men concentrate more on the physical, more explicit side of sex: women are apparently loving creatures, our fantasies are “naughtier”!
Additionally, women more often see themselves as the recipient of sexual contact in their fantasies, while men generally fantasise that they are the ones providing the sexual action to a partner.
Sharing a fantasy with a partner can be a daunting, exciting and rewarding experience – depending on the fantasy and the partner, of course. You need to be with someone you trust if you’re going to share.
A good way to make things easier is a promise to be completely open and accepting with one other and to exchange fantasies, rather than it just being a one-way street: it’s much easier if each of you shares a secret desire with the other. As ever, communication and understanding are essential factors of this process being a success. The things that ring their sexual bell might not ring yours – indeed, you may even find it a turn-off.
Of course, you don’t have to try anything that you don’t feel comfortable with, but try to avoid using words like “weird” or reactions like “eww” and remember that the human mind is a complicated, often inexplicable, place. Be thoughtful, too.
For example, if she asks you if you ever think about a threesome with her and another woman – unsurprisingly, this is one of the top 10 male fantasies on every single list you look at - she’s almost certainly looking for an answer like someone famous - Emma Stone or Jennifer Lawrence for example. This is not the time to suggest “your mate Kelly” or “Natalie from Accounts at work”. That’s not going to help matters.
Some fantasies are easy to share, and easy to act out. So if you get hot thinking about her wearing sexy lingerie, help the process along by browsing together for something that you both like. Maybe your turn-on is something from 50 Shades... again, chat with your partner and come up with a plan that works for you both.
Be brave, if you don’t ask, you won’t get. And who knows, maybe you hit the jackpot and discover that you have a shared fantasy – there’s surely nothing better than common ground here! But then, there are some things that you might want to keep to yourself. Maybe it’s not something you feel comfortable discussing, maybe it’s something that you feel sure that your partner won’t understand. Or perhaps it’s simply something that you just don’t want to share.
There’s nothing wrong with some personal privacy either. After all, there should always be a corner of your mind where you can go and enjoy yourself when “flying solo”.