A little slap and tickle can be great fun! Whether you're curious about trying spanking for the first time or looking to add something different to your intimate life, a little know-how goes a long way. Here's our friendly guide to spanking, getting spanked and keeping the experience comfortable, consensual and enjoyable for everyone involved.
To Spank or Not to Spank?
A little bit of slap and tickle is not unusual these days, and Bondage & BDSM has come to the fore as couples try something different. Spanking can be a playful way to experiment with dominance and submission or introduce a little sensation play into your relationship.
The good news is that you don't need an elaborate collection of toys to get started. A little hand spanking can be plenty exciting on its own, although you can always move on to paddles, crops and other accessories if you both fancy it.
But before you go swinging, there's one important thing to establish: is spanking something you both actually want to try?
Knowing when and how to introduce a sexy smack can be a bit like flying a kite in a thunderstorm. Get the conditions right, and it can be exhilarating. Get them wrong, and things can become uncomfortable rather quickly!
Before You Begin: Talk About It
Whether it's a kinky fantasy or simply an attempt to spice up your sex life, the best place to start is with a conversation. You might be surprised to discover that your partner has been curious about spanking too.
Ask what appeals to them. Is it the playful power dynamic, the sensation itself, or simply trying something new together? Discuss what you're both comfortable with, what you'd rather avoid and how you'll let each other know when something needs to stop.
Don't assume that because your partner enjoys dominant sex, they'll automatically enjoy spanking. And don't test their interest with an unexpected slap. A little anticipation can be delicious, but consent should never be a guessing game.
Agree on a clear way to pause or stop, and remember that either person can change their mind at any time. After all, the idea is to enjoy yourselves, not endure something you're unhappy with!
Getting Started with Spanking
So, you innocently ask: how hard can someone spank with their bare hands? The answer is, pretty hard! Even hand spanking can leave bruises or cause injury, so start cautiously and keep the intensity gentle, especially if you're both new to the experience.
Don't go in swinging. Make sure your partner is comfortable and supported, whether they're lying on a bed, leaning against a stable surface or resting across your lap.
For beginners, the softer, fleshy areas of the buttocks are generally less vulnerable than bony areas. Avoid the spine, tailbone, kidneys, joints and genitals. Even seemingly gentle impact carries some risk, and no particular hand position can guarantee that bruising won't occur.
Begin gently, pay attention to your partner's reactions and ask how they're feeling. Remember that a gasp, flinch or moan doesn't necessarily mean they're enjoying themselves. A few well-timed words can save a great deal of guesswork!
And here's something worth remembering: harder doesn't automatically mean better. For many couples, the excitement comes from the anticipation, trust and playful exchange rather than the intensity itself.
How to Spank: Handy Tips for Beginners
If you're the one doing the spanking, your job is to make sure the experience stays comfortable and within the boundaries you've agreed together.
- Start gently. Allow plenty of time to establish what feels comfortable before considering any change in intensity.
- Choose a comfortable position. Make sure your partner feels supported and can move freely when they want to.
- Be mindful of sensitive areas. Avoid the lower back, tailbone, spine, genitals and other vulnerable parts of the body.
- Keep communicating. Ask how your partner is feeling rather than relying entirely on facial expressions or sounds.
- Respect agreed limits. If your partner wants to pause or stop, stop immediately.
- Don't rush. There's no prize for intensity, and no reason to push beyond what either of you enjoys.
Some people enjoy a little role-play or playful banter as part of the experience. Others prefer to keep things simple. There's no single right way to approach spanking, provided everyone is comfortable and enthusiastic.
How to Get Spanked: Finding What Feels Right
Being on the receiving end can be just as much about communication and trust as it is about sensation.
First, make sure you're comfortable. If you're lying across your partner's lap or leaning over the bed, choose a position that doesn't strain your back, hips or knees.
Then, don't be shy about communicating. Let your partner know what feels good, what doesn't and whether you'd prefer things to stay gentle. You're allowed to change your mind at any stage, even if you were enthusiastic about the idea five minutes earlier.
Remember that getting spanked doesn't mean surrendering control over your own comfort or boundaries. You always have the right to stop.
There's also no requirement for the experience to lead to sex or orgasm. Sometimes the playful intimacy is the whole point, and that's perfectly fine.
Mix It Up!
Once you've found something that works for both of you, there are plenty of ways to introduce a little variety.
Throw in some cheeky conversation or playful role-play if that appeals to you. A whispered compliment, a mischievous remark or simply telling your partner what you're enjoying can add a lovely sense of connection.
Just remember that sexy talk and practical communication serve different purposes. You can have fun with the conversation and still check that your partner is comfortable.
And if neither of you enjoys spanking, that's OK. Don't flog a dead horse! There are plenty of other ways to enjoy a little adventure together.
If you both enjoy BDSM, you might eventually consider adding accessories such as light restraints, a bondage blindfold or a purpose-designed spanking paddle.
Our Whips & Paddles collection includes a variety of accessories for those interested in learning more about this type of play.
Bear in mind that different implements create different sensations and risks. Avoid improvising with household utensils such as wooden spoons, spatulas or hairbrushes, which aren't designed for intimate impact play. More specialised equipment and techniques deserve proper instruction before use.
Don't Forget the Aftercare
Once the fun is over, take a moment to check in with each other. A cuddle, a little reassurance or simply talking about what you enjoyed can be a lovely way to finish the experience.
Ask what worked, what didn't and whether there's anything you'd do differently next time. Look out for any unexpected discomfort or injury, and stop the activity if something doesn't feel right.
Some people love lots of affection afterwards, while others prefer a little space. Neither is wrong. The important thing is knowing what your partner needs and respecting it.
Ready for a Little More Adventure?
Spanking can be a fun and intimate way to add something different to your relationship, but it isn't for everyone. And that's absolutely fine!
Whether you're experimenting with a few gentle sensations or simply curious about what all the fuss is about, the most important ingredients are trust, communication and mutual enjoyment.
If you'd like to learn more about the wider world of kink, have a look at our Beginner's Guide to Bondage & BDSM.
Or, if you're considering suitable accessories, browse Matilda's Whips & Paddles collection.
Above all, enjoy yourselves, respect each other's boundaries and don't forget to have a little fun along the way!
Portions of this guide have been adapted from material originally published for All4Women.co.za.
