BDSM: A Beginner's Guide

BDSM for Beginners: A Guide to More Excitement

Ever since Fifty Shades of Grey hit bookstores, a lot more women and men have taken interest in exploring BDSM relationships – and we don’t blame them because it can be damn thrilling if you’re into it!

BDSM for Beginners

It's Not all Whips and Chains!

Ever since Fifty Shades of Grey hit bookstores, a lot more women and men have taken interest in exploring BDSM relationships – and we don’t blame them because it can be damn thrilling if you’re into it! This BDSM guide for beginners will help you and your partner get more excitement in the bedroom, safely.

BDSM is not all whips and chains. If you’re interested in dipping your toes into this erotic world and adding a sprinkle of kink into your play, but have no idea where to start, we have compiled a little BDSM guide to get you going.

What is BDSM

BDSM stands for bondage and discipline, domination and submission, sadism and masochism. From light bondage and erotic spanking to advanced suspension bondage and even electrostimulation, BDSM can be as hardcore or as subdued as you want it to be.

Bondage & Discipline

The BDSM bondage and discipline element is the sexual act where a submissive partner can be trained to perform.

Restraining the submissive partner can include a whole host of things from Shibari (a Japanese rope form of bondage) to handcuffs. There are also some more advanced forms, such as ceiling hooks and bondage cages.

Discipline has more of an emphasis on behaviour modification through punishments, both physical punishment like spanking, as well as psychological guilt such as erotic humiliation!

Dominant & Submissive

In the world of BDSM, there is always a dominant and submissive.

The Dom has responsibility for dominating their partner while they become entirely obedient to them; male Doms are often called Masters whereas female dominants have titles such as Mistress or Madam.

Male and females alike can refer to themselves as Subs. Submissives relinquish control over themselves to make way for this relationship dynamic as well as giving up any right to refuse anything that's asked by those who dominate them.

It’s a good idea to start by introducing the roles of Doms and Subs into your relationship.

Defining Your Roles: Dominant or Submissive

Having sexual desires and turn-ons different from others can be confusing – but trust us, this is still very much normal. Before jumping right into the bed restraints, we will take you through the roles involved so you can have a better understanding of each.

Basically, being a dominant means to be in control – handling those whips and chains, gags or cuffs! The dominating playmate will thrill their Submissive into hysteria with spanking, flogging and seductive orgasm control. The submissive will trust their bodies to their master (another word for dominant) and let loose, enjoying the pleasure being brought on to them. In a D/S relationship, there is a strong bond that is developed and strengthens daily.

Delving into Dominance

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Choosing your role can feel natural and instinctive, or it could take some experimenting.  As we said above, a Dominant is the one in control. If you feel a desire to control your partner’s pleasure, then give dominance a try. Many of the sexual tendencies of a good Dominant partner relate to being a good leader. You are leading your partner through some intense pleasuring, after all.  

First off, to be a dominant you must have the ability to take responsibility for yourself and your Submissive. Communication is key in this responsibility. You cannot lead if you cannot communicate – and we’re not only talking about screams of pleasure (but that’s important, too)!

Seeking Submission

If your heart aches with need and desire to serve someone else you have a connection to submission. When you are Submissive you will also develop a physical – and, of course, a sexual – response to Dominance exerted at or near you. You will want to be controlled and satisfied.

A key thing to remember is that just because you are the Submissive doesn’t mean you lack control. Ideally, you’ll discuss with your partner what will happen beforehand. Submission is also not restricted to genders. A dominant male and submissive lady is not the only way to play. Men that are submissive are not less than. Respect him for his appreciation of you and how he trusts that you know what is best.

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The Baby Steps into BDSM

It’s crucial to take it slow, and ease into the BDSM world. Perhaps, whispering “Do you have anything to tie me up with” may work more in your favour than surprising him with the topic at a dinner date or to show up at the door in a corset, with a whip.

So what’s the first step? That’s really up to you. Maybe hold the submissive’s hands down above their head – or grab a pair of silk cuffs or handcuffs – as you make love to them, or control when they are allowed to have an orgasm. Collars can be seductive, because you can lead the submissive down a rabbit hole of pleasure. Vibrators or dildos can control your lover's sexual frenzy. There’s really a number of things to start your adventure.

Just remember to have a plan going into your first time BDSM adventure. It should not be a frazzled, unorganised mess. The dominant will be the one calling the shots, so have your playthings handy. 

Matildas Tip: When starting a BDSM relationship, it’s a good policy to come up with a safe word. It can be a word like “orange” or “porcupine”, it really doesn’t matter as long as you have one. It can really ease your reluctance if you’re not sure about this whole BDSM thing. Once you learn and understand the basics, you can explore the wonderful intricacies of your personal BDSM play. It’s time to get kinky…