Before we go any further into the intricacies of this device, I think that we do need to have a quick chat about the name. It’s ridiculous. And it’s misleading. Believe it or not, this is a sex toy and you shouldn’t even begin to consider using it to spank monkeys.
I’m not even sure that you should be spanking monkeys anyway. The SPCA would probably have something to say about that sort of thing. Just don’t. So onto the Monkey Spanker Duo then. It’s an odd shape for a toy, something like a cross between a miniature tennis racket and a futuristic spanner. The idea behind this unusual design is that it can be used in a multitude of different ways, bringing numerous opportunities for pleasure for him, her, or indeed them, in the bedroom.
Perhaps that’s why the manufacturers describe it as “The most revolutionary and versatile sex toy on the planet”.
What we’re actually looking at here is a basic vibrating cock ring with a basic vibrator attached to it. Thus, a sort of two for the price of one deal, together with all the different options that those individual toys bring to the party.
First off, let’s look at the “round end”. This is a hard plastic ring with a “RealFeel” membrane inside. You’re wrong if you divide the Monkey Spanker into “male” and “female” ends, because before we get near anything singularly male, you should know that this end works really well as a vibrating nipple stimulator for either partner. The pliable casing and firm ring means that you can stimulate not just the actual nipple, but the surrounding area as well.
A really good start to your foreplay. Heading downstairs, the small hole in the middle of the membrane does look somewhat intimidating at first sight, but the huge flexibility of the thin, soft material (augmented with some water-based lubricant) makes it comfortably tight around the penis, rather than strangulating.
And the vibrations pass through the membrane quite effectively, delivering the sensation precisely to where you want it. Add to this the fact that the device is easily gripped and fully manoeuvrable thanks to the “handle”, and you can put it – or have it put – wherever you want.
This opens up a multitude of possibilities, including, but not limited to, hands-free hand jobs and vibration-assisted blow jobs. If you’ve never tried one of the latter, I’d suggest that you just stop for a moment and imagine just what that might be like. Exactly. And we’re not done yet. Because there’s the other end to consider as well. Look, this isn’t the biggest vibrator in the world, but then size isn’t important, right?
Well, in this case, it was a little bit limiting, to be honest. You’re only looking an absolute maximum of 4 inches of insertable length, and the diameter isn’t exactly anything to write home about either, (if that’s the sort of thing you usually choose to do). As a clitoral or labial vibrator though, it works just fine. Very effective. :)
Firstly, in keeping with the size of the thing, it’s not the most powerful thing ever. There are three intensity settings, but really, when using the “traditional” vibrator end, it was only the top one that worked for us.
Thus, if you like your fun big and bold, this bit probably won’t work for you. I have to say though that there were no such issues when using the “cock ring” end. Also, this is a basic design, and it uses 3 button batteries to make it go: these aren’t rechargeable and they don’t last forever.
On the plus side, they are really cheap at DisChem, so with just a bit of forethought, your toy isn’t going to leave you hanging. There is one other thing. The vibrating bullet is uni-directional, meaning that it can only make one end or the other vibrate at any time. Again, not a train smash: indeed, it’s not a problem at all if you’re going to use the attributes of just one end. B
oth if you want to swap while you’re playing, the bullet is quite hard to get out of its little hidey hole. So much so, that the manufacturers recommend a small screwdriver as being the best way to lever it out. Now, I don’t know about you, but taking a small screwdriver to bed isn’t exactly top of my list when planning a night of passion. Nor do I want it to be.
The first time we played with the Monkey Spanker, we were staying in a hotel (not known for its wide selection of small screwdrivers), and so Top Tip: a teaspoon handle pops the bullet out quickly and easily, albeit not very sexily.
The Monkey Spanker Duo is plain, simple fun and does what it does really well. What it might lack in the vibrator end, it certainly more than makes up for in the “tennis racket” end, and there are plenty of different ways to play. Half the entertainment is thinking up new ways to use it.