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June 24, 2018

You can feel comfy in sexy lingerie

It's not about the performance

Some women feel uncomfortable and self-conscious in sexy lingerie. We're here to help you overcome that fear and live and love with confidence.  

THE QUESTION

My husband and I have been married for eight years, and our sex life has hit a dry patch. We spoke about what we can do to spice things up, and afterwards, he surprised me with some beautiful lingerie he bought as a present. Problem is: I don't want to wear it. It makes me feel like I am putting on a performance and that makes me feel very uncomfortable. My husband is now feeling rebuffed; understandably. What do I do?

OUR ANSWER

Some women are comfortable in - and enjoy wearing - lacy thongs, va va voom bras, corsets and even latex lingerie. Other women prefer the comfort of fuller panties, T-shirt bras or even sports bras. If you’re the latter and your hubby brought you the former, it’s understandable that you’re feeling uncomfortable. This is why we advise men to consider what kind of underwear their partner normally chooses to wear - and buy accordingly. Check out our beginner’s guide to buying lingerie here.

If you’re a full panty and crop top kind of girl, it’s highly unlikely you’ll feel natural in suspenders and nipple pasties. Men can sometimes forget this. However, we have to give credit to your hubby for trying. You say the lingerie is beautiful, so it seems as though he put in effort to buy something classy and lovely. It’s important to remember he’s trying to work on the relationship and do his part to make your sex life better. So give him a hug for being thoughtful and caring.

Sex is a shared experience

On the other side of the coin, buying you sexy lingerie as a way to spice up your combined sex life is not a particularly progressive way to improve what is essentially a shared experience. We can imagine it feels like the pressure is on you to now make things “sexy”.

It does also show that there is a gap between his idea of what constitutes “sexy” and yours. Clothing is a part of personal identity, so when someone who is supposed to know you extremely well gives you something that is so at odds to how you see yourself, it can be upsetting.

Happily, this is an issue that can be fixed. You don’t want to wear the lingerie because it feels like a performance. Often the problem with super sexy lingerie is dealing with the more practical side of things: when do you put it on, for example. If you’re in the moment, it can feel unnatural to disappear and change into something different.

Wear lingerie for you, first

What we can suggest is: wear lingerie for you first. Try an experiment for 1 week: wear a lovely set of lingerie to work each day and see how it makes you feel. Then, when you do have sex after work, the lingerie will be a nice surprise when you take off your clothes, rather than something you need to change into to become a sex kitten.

Obviously, if you’re feeling uncomfortable, sex is not going to be enjoyable, and you won’t feel open and connected to your partner. This may sound counter-intuitive, but one way of feeling more confident could be to explore the “other” - that is explore being out of character and turn the problem into a fun solution.

Role-play, for example, is a common way to add excitement to long-term relationships - and if you’re both performing, any feelings of awkwardness will disappear. Role play (think fetish lingerie) requires you to trust each other and communicate openly; which will intensify intimacy. This may also allow you to see your husband’s gift as a fun costume rather than as a reflection of how he sees you.  

At Matilda's, we have a range of different lingerie to suit your different styles. Have a browse through our collections, and send your husband some links of items you like. The best way to get what you want is to ask for it! 

 



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