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BDSM 101

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You. Yes, you there. You’re planning to see Fifty Shades, then a romantic dinner. You have it planned out. You’ll play footsie while thoughts of how you’ll try something new and kinky when you got home go through your mind. Your toes curl as you think about orgasms that will come from experimenting with rope, handcuffs, and perhaps even a paddle. But hold on! As much fun, as discovering kink is, things can quickly take a dark turn if you’re uncertain of what you’re doing and don’t do some research for yourself. Here are some things to make sure you get through the experience of trying something new unscathed and willing to try it again.

I want the happiness that comes with being kinky and explorative to be felt by everyone (if they want it). See what I did there? If they want it. Trying out new things that bring pleasure, pain and a whole spectrum of emotion can be intense for anyone. The most important element of interacting with other is consent. Within kink and BDSM (Bondage, Dominance, Submission/Sadism and Masochism, for the beginners), that element of consent deepens. Keep consent in your mind. Even when in pain. In the arms of pleasure. When confused. When curling your toes. When unsure. When biting your lip. Consent is everything.

Let’s ask a couple of questions now. What exactly would you like to try? Why? What sort of experiences are you looking to have? Just some kinky acts now and then? Or do you want to throw yourself completely into living and loving within the BDSM lifestyle? Ask yourself these questions and make sure whoever you’re looking to experiment with has done the same. That way, no misunderstandings can happen and you’re able to find common ground. Discussing what you and your partner’s expectations are lightens the air and makes it easier to just have a blast without added pressure.

Now for getting down and dirty. The actual experimenting, enjoying and that grabbing-the-sheets type of pleasure.  Are you more dominant, submissive or do you feel like you can switch between either role? While you can play and partake in kinky sexual acts without taking on a particular role, it’s so much fun playing a role when you first start experimenting. Have a think, try it out and have fun with it! The excitement that comes with pretending to be someone else can bring wetness between your thighs. Bliss. Doesn’t it sound tantalising?

Find pleasure in your exploration. The light hair pulling becoming more aggressive as you’re bent over in front of your partner. Dirty talk while you do it. Slut. Whore. And when I’ve done a good job, and pleased my partner, “good girl” can send shivers down to all the right places. Everyone loves a good spank here and there. It can go from cute and playful, to leaving your butt bruised. From using hands, you can graduate to belts or toys (floggers, crops and whips are favourites!). Avoid the lower back at all times to avoid injury. Looking to try handcuffs or bondage but don’t know how to progress yet? Perhaps you just don’t have the equipment yet. A scarf or belt are perfect! Tie your partner’s wrists together, slip a blindfold on them and start kissing them all over. Some bites as you go along, suck, blow and play with ice up and down their chest, legs and neck. Looking to explore even further? Use some clothespins to play with your partner’s pain threshold. Clip them onto their thighs, arms, nipples or inner thighs. Or drip some hot candle wax on them, another great way to explore the relationship between pain and pleasure.

Do you have your safe word? That word that you need when a line is crossed or pain reaches a level that’s no longer pleasurable. Remember consent? You’re allowed to change your mind at any time. Just as you constantly discover new things as you experience, you can decide you don’t like something. At that moment, say your safe word and your partner should always stop. Even if you are the submissive, if the greed safe word is called out, it’s the other person’s responsibility to stop and make sure you’re okay. Never feel guilty about needing your safe word. Also, keep in mind that sometimes a verbal safe word isn’t enough. You may be gagged and can’t say anything. In these instances pinching or blinking a lot can do the trip. This also means the dominant person needs to be incredibly attentive to you. Your safety is the priority and if they don’t understand that, it’s time to stop playing with them.

Always remember, YKINMK. Your kink is not my kink. What you like, may not be what the next person likes. And as long as it is safe and consensual, you have no business judging what others do for their own pleasure. While your limits are yours to make clear, I’ve found often that I should never say never. Many things I found terrifying and sometimes gross I’ve become open to and have even tried. There is no pressure to try all of this at once. Take it slow, enjoy how much you’re learning together. Dip a toe in, then two. Soon you’ll be immersed in a world of pleasure, pain and exploration. Happy experimenting!